Therapy. What comes to your mind when you hear that word? For me it is deep diving into yourself. Understanding why you are the way you are and for me reparenting myself. As a child of Caribbean parents and from a Caribbean family there are many who know that you are raised a certain way. For the longest time I swore up and down I would raise my children if I had them the way I was raised. And then I had a child. I tried to do it but the fear I saw in my baby’s eyes stopped me. I had to think about why I was responding the way I was to a baby. Therapy has helped me re-evaluate my views on parenting. I have been changing ever since I had Carys. As she grows, I grow and now as a mother of 2 my views have changed again.
With Carys I sleep trained her at 7 ½ months. My views have changed. Ava is 10 months now and she is not sleep trained. She sleeps in her crib in the room she and her sister share but Kerry and I still get up and go to her if she wakes up in the middle of the night. If Carys wakes up in the middle of the night it’s the same thing, we get up and go to her. Did I think this is where I would be when we sleep trained Carys? No. Am I tired some mornings? Yes. Will I stop doing it? No. Why? I want my girls to know that their dad and I will always come when they need us. Always. They will always be able to rely on us. This relationship we are building with them now as babies is setting the foundation for our relationship when they are older. We want them to know they can always come to us no matter how big or small to them.
Therapy has helped me realize the things that are important to me. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. I did not have any growing up and I see now how that led to a lot of decisions I made and things I said yes to when I wanted to say no. I don’t ever want my girls to feel like they can’t say no to something. I want them to be confident in standing up for themselves and be comfortable sharing their views. I want them to question things, to think critically. Even now with Carys being 2 I ask her if I can give her a hug, a kiss or tickle her. If she says no I say “I hear you. You said no and I’m stopping.” I ask her if I can take a picture of her or video. If she says no I say ok I won’t take a video or picture. I want her to know that if she’s not comfortable with something she can say so and that people need to respect her boundaries, even her parents. But I also teach her about boundaries for mommy. Mommy needs some space. Mommy needs some privacy. Mommy would love to do that with you but right now I need to finish this and then we can play. I want to teach her how to state clearly what she needs.
It is so fascinating to be teaching them these things when I have no experience with it but as I see Carys and Ava clearly show their feelings, what they like, when they’re not happy, when they’re enjoying themselves, saying no clearly, it empowers me to be the model for them of what living with boundaries looks like, what having a healthy relationship with yourself looks like. As I shared in the first paragraph, along with building a strong relationship with the girls I reaffirm that it doesn’t matter what they do, we will always love them, there is nothing they can do that will change that. Therapy is giving me the tools to continue to grow and deal with my own trauma to be my best self for the girls. I can only be the best mama to them when I’m whole. I’m still working through things I suppressed but I know clearly what I will and won’t accept in my life anymore. It’s freed me from feelings of guilt that I would put on myself. It’s ok for people not to like my boundaries, they are entitled to their feelings, but not to me if I don’t want that in my space.
As a parent are there things you said you’d do once you had kids that you’ve changed your mind on? How are you helping your children understand boundaries? Are you going to therapy?
